The End of one Journey & the Beginning of Another

Thats the moment I realized miracles do happen, the flutter of hope and our dreams come true, right above, yep there, that was our life altering best moment and the start of us walking on egg shells…..

Our love story started on some rough waters, Sean and I had only been dating for a few months when I received a call from my Dr. asking if I could talk and wondering if I was sitting.  She proceeded to tell me my pap smear came up with something and I needed to go for some additional tests to confirm whether I had cervical cancer.

We discussed things further with my Dr. and then my mom.  After looking at everything I decided it was best to break it off with the man I knew I already wanted to spend my life with.  When I told Sean that we should break up because I was sick and didn’t know if things would get much worse, or if I could have children, or I would even be around, he took one look at me and said “I will never leave you, I don’t care what happens, I will be with you no matter what” and until this day he has been my rock to make it through anything.

Not only did he stay with me, researched cervical cancer, HPV, statistics, and everything related, he asked me to move in with him so he could take care of me.  Of course, as you will know, I stayed with Sean and we made it through together.  After seeing the specialist it was confirmed I had abnormal cells rapidly growing and needed to be removed quickly.  They were removed on a regular appointment day, since being a specialist they have everything needed to do the surgery there, including nurses etc.

Luckily for me that day my sister had offered to take me to my appointment.  Waiting for me in the waiting room she had no idea I agreed to this laser procedure.  It was a long weekend and though the Dr. did state I would need to be off for two weeks, I figured four days would be sufficient and gave the go ahead.  The entire procedure went so fast I barely had time to absorb what I was going through.  As I walked out, refusing to make my follow up appointment at that moment, I broke down.

Going back to work early I ruptured the incision and ended up in the ER – lesson learned to always listen to your doctor and recovery times!  After this I slowly started to go into a depression, I no longer was thankful for my life but angry at everyone and mad that I had to go through this…I wanted to end it anyway.  Talking to my doctor made all the difference and we worked fast to ensure I got the help I needed and it helped.  My advice for anyone with any on going feelings of depression is to speak to a health professional and be as open as possible with your loved ones.  You are never alone and always wait because tomorrow is always better.

The specialist was so nice and took the time to meet with Sean and my mom to answer any questions they had.  Sean asked in this meeting how this would affect us conceiving in the future and the doctor could not tell until we were ready to start trying (TTC).  Years later after getting married and buying our house, we started trying to get pregnant.  Because of my health history and not getting pregnant within 6 months of trying, my doctor immediately sent us to a fertility specialist.

Second specialist in our relationship and we had this unspoken knot in our throats, like a secret we have been keeping from one another, our feelings of knowing this was coming but wishing it wouldn’t have to…infertility treatments.  We tried our very best to stay positive, be open with everyone around us, take any advice we could get calmly and without resentment but in the end everything takes its toll.

After five years, multiple infertility treatments, giving up, trying again and fighting for funding, this year we were shocked to be a few days late.  We had always tried to conceive, followed apps and everything we learned, even though stopping fertility treatments to save for IVF.  Though we continued trying, we obviously hoped for a miracle, we just had given up hope it would actually happen to us, but it did!

That day, September 4th at 9:42 pm, I walked out of the washroom in utter astonishment trying hard not to jump up and down or be too excited.  All I wanted to do was jump out of my skin and was thrilled beyond words.  Deep down though that feeling like “is this happening?” and “what if its false?” was lingering.  Worse the words straight from Sean, “lets not get excited yet” making our feelings real, brought me back to reality, the reality of the what if’s…….we both didn’t sleep a wink that night.

From the advice of our doctor we waited until we were a bit later and then did a urine and blood test to be sure.  When she called to confirm the pregnancy I was warmed that she seemed just as happy as we were to let us know we were finally expecting!  Its funny because though Sean and I were overwhelmingly happy we were, at the exact same time, scared beyond belief.  Its like everything that could happen you thought of, unfortunately your always waiting for the “ball to drop” so to speak, making something that is supposed to be the happiest moment somehow your scariest.

Any person who has experienced infertility, I am sure, will know what we mean when we say we were cautiously ecstatic.  It was torture to wait until after the first trimester, to let everyone know our amazing news, but we did, somewhat.  We just couldn’t keep it that long from our immediate family who were over joyed beyond words as well.  So everyone now knew and our miracle was happening yet it was nine months of serious pressure for us.

Sean and I had such anxiety the entire pregnancy, though we put up a pretty good front and we were obviously genuinely excited to be pregnant, it was a massive strain on us as well.  We were consistently thinking at any moment it would all go away and our reality of disappointment and sadness would return, this time with a loss, we couldn’t bare to think of.  We kept saying positive things and talking to each other, reminding one another that “what will be will be” and we must enjoy every moment regardless, but it was hard.

No one ever tells infertility patients the feelings you will have once you actually do conceive.  The fear and hope, the emotional roller coaster and strain you will bare.  Everyone thinks it too, they are so happy but they too, deep down are worried that this magic and happiness could end and then what?  My uncle recently opened up and told me he was so worried the entire time I was pregnant and was relieved when TJ was finally born.   He knew if I had lost him during pregnancy I would have been devastated beyond comparison and was so worried for me and he was right.

On May 22, 2014 at 7:44 pm our miracle TJ was born and it was the most amazing moment of our lives.  From the moment we saw him it was so glorious and it is true, it is a love you cannot describe.  We just couldn’t believe we made this baby, he was ours and God had blessed us with him.  We made it and we met the most precious gift we could ever imagine that day, our son, our miracle baby and the love of our lives.

To all who have had and still have trouble conceiving remember our story, know miracles happen and have a plan, if they don’t, so you can imagine your life with and without.  Don’t ever give up hope, one way or another, you can get through it and your not alone in whatever your feeling. xo